VforVanity

Everyone has hard times.

For the past few years, things have been tough. Factors beyond my control have taken over, and I have tried desperately to regain power over my own life. It all felt completely out of hand. In difficult times past, I was always able to remember that everyone goes through ups and downs. Even when the downs felt surreal, it was easy to appreciate that we all have our paths and that others have it so much worse than I did at that moment. This time, I lost that part of me—the part that sees the silver lining and lessons in every experience, the part that finds a light of gratitude in the darkest of spaces. Gone. Despite understanding the ‘logic’ of gratitude and that hard times eventually pass, I was completely unable to feel it. The pit of my stomach felt like a sea of despair swirling around at all times.

I focused hard on ‘doing the right things.’ I meditated, journaled, walked, talked, spent time on myself, read, and got creative. All of these activities benefited me for sure, but the healing from them didn’t occur immediately. There are so many layers to our psyche, and accessing all of them during turbulent times can be challenging. The fight/flight/freeze response can exist independently in any part of us, while the others operate as normal. Sometimes these layers run so deep that you don’t know whether you are acting true to yourself. It’s difficult to decipher and even more challenging to communicate and reason with.

During these times, if we do all the things we are advised to do, we may not notice any changes, and it can feel pointless and hopeless. But if we persevere—writing down our feelings and the impact of all our efforts and, most importantly, allowing ourselves time—once we reach the other side (and we will), we will witness all our hard work paying off at once. Trust me. Time to digest, time to recover and heal, and time for the end to reach all parts of us is incredibly important. We cannot rush healing. If you cut yourself and cover it with a dressing, the wound takes the same time to heal; the dressing is for protection. Use life’s dressings to protect the wounds and allow them to heal in their own time.

Life’s dressings

The “life dressings” are all the self-care practices we are advised to follow. These work. They do. However, if the wounds run deep, they don’t always address them immediately. It’s a bit like the work you do in school—you don’t reap the rewards until you receive your exam results. The same principle applies here: once the dust settles, all the work you’ve done will be ready to yield genuine gratitude and real contentment.

There are many reason people give for not doing the work. One I hear often is that they can’t meditate. Their mind are just too busy. Everyone’s mind is busy.

Meditation isn’t about having a completely clear mind or not thinking about anything; no one achieves that. The idea that “I can’t meditate; I’ve tried” is either an excuse or not understanding what meditation is. Everyone can meditate. It’s about training your mind to control your thoughts. No one has ever just sat down and instantly shut out their thoughts. Many people say this because they don’t want to sit with their thoughts; they dislike the discomfort.

The hard truth is: it WILL be uncomfortable.

Do you want to a) experience the discomfort now or b) experience it later? Discomfort in life is guaranteed. Choose your hard. This is entirely your choice. Here are some things to consider while you decide: If you choose to face the hard now, you have all the control. If you choose hard later, you won’t have much control at all. If you choose hard now, you won’t have any reason to complain; if you choose hard later, you won’t have the right to complain because it was your choice. Nothing worth having comes easily.

Too many people feel hard done by, and while many things can happen in life that we wouldn’t choose and didn’t ask for, blaming others and feeling sorry for ourselves only shifts the power away from us. We give up control of our lives and then complain about how hard it’s been for us, claiming it isn’t our fault that we are unsuccessful. I’m sorry to tell you, but it’s still your responsibility. I can promise you that there is someone far worse off than you who has been able to take control and use their incredibly difficult experiences as fuel to become the best they can be.

These people may have wounds, but they are content and ready to take on the world. Those who don’t take this approach suffer for it. It’s that simple—not easy, but simple. If you feel this might be you and you want to change, I recommend starting with self-care. Do it anyway. Even if you don’t feel immediate benefits (and you probably won’t), you will be building the internal habit of inducing healing within yourself. Be easy on yourself and allow time to heal.

Stop blaming. Every time you think, “Why did this happen to me?” or “It’s not my fault that I can’t do things,” STOP. Change that thought to, “Although I didn’t ask for any of this, it’s my responsibility to move on. Other people and circumstances aren’t going to hold me down.” Find your fuel in being told you can’t, and find your passion in proving others—and yourself—wrong. Discover the voice that shouts “fuck you” to anyone who doubts you. The world is your oyster, regardless of your circumstances, age, or experiences.

The bottom line is, it’s your choice; you have all the power. Leave behind those who don’t appreciate you. It’s a reflection of their insecurities not a reflection of you. Take control and allow time to heal.

You’ve got this! Choose your hard.