VforVanity

Do you have a teen struggling with mental health?

Do you feel unsupported by Schools and Drs?

Do you feel as if ‘professionals’ act as if you don’t know your child or you’re just a pushy/paranoid parent?

My Daughter is 14, she finds school an overwhelming environment and always has. Her school life recently has become very stressful. She refuses to do P.E, she gets ready for P.E then has a panic attack because she doesn’t want to perform in front of her peers. This has resulted in the school suggesting that she doesn’t attend school during these times. I don’t feel this is an affective solution. She needs to be supported in integrating into that environment, however I have been told this is not an option.

A bit of a back story, When my daughter was in her first year of nursery, she really enjoyed attending. She made a lot of friends and has always loved playing with other kids. The beginning of her second year of nursery however, was very different. She did not understand why her friends were moving up to school and she had to stay back, she didn’t understand that its because of when her birthday falls. This is the year when she was made aware of her interests being very different form her peers, she loved to learn about cardiology, she found the book ‘atlas of the human body’ on our bookshelf when she was a toddler and would ask us to read sections of it to her, especially the parts about the heart. During her second year of nursery she brought a book in and spoke to the class about her interest and about heart bypasses. When she had finished her presentation, some children had questions and she really enjoyed discussing it. When the kids dispersed to play, they began to make fun of her for having an unusual interest. This is when it started.

Her first Parents night at school, the teacher told us she cries for what appears to be no reason, that it’s nothing to worry about and that she’ll keep an eye on it.One day, I forgot to give her a container for baking in school (I’m that Mum). I brought it to school during break and she was in a corner of the playground on her own, bawling her eyes out. I have honestly never seen anyone cry like that. She didn’t seem to know what she was upset about. Concerned, I brought her to her teacher and explained what I witnessed. I’ll never forget what the teacher said.. “yeah, that’s what we’ve been getting”. What part of that is nothing to worry about?! I requested an appointment with the school nurse, she was referred to Children’s mental health and was appointed a mental health worker. The worker would attend my Daughters class and watch her interact with her peers, she witnessed that she socialises very well but gets upset for no apparent reason. I kept her up to date with what we were doing with her at home.

At home we introduced what I called A new days resolution board, where we all wrote a small achievable goal for the day. I felt that if she was upset because she was putting too much pressure on herself, this would help her see that what can’t be done today can be done tomorrow and to focus on the little things and not be too concerned with the bigger things. Focus on having fun and being kind. I felt it was important we all did this so she didn’t feel singled out.

I made a happy thoughts jar, her an I sat together and wrote on sparkly pieces of paper, stories that make her happy and remind her of good times, we also wrote positive things about her in case the problem was self esteem.

My Daughter was assessed by a psychologist who found that she was academically where she should be but her emotional understanding and her understanding of what was being asked of her was greater than expected at her age. They felt this might be contributing to her frustrations.

Meeting with the metal health worker, she stated we are doing all the right things with her and that she can’t continue to work with my Daughter, because she has a supportive family and the caseload for children with difficult home lives was too large. While I completely understood this, it left my daughter without support in school.

Every year throughout primary school was the same, teachers would approach me in the playground after school to make me aware they had to have a chat with my Daughter about her crying. The following day I would ask how she was and if she was crying a lot and I’d get the response ‘It’s not that bad’. Like Im being a paranoid parent. One teacher told her she was too old to be crying and to get a grip.

Covid and lockdown hit, following this, she would not leave my side in shops or anywhere. It took a long time to build her confidence back up, there are still signs of this yet.

Now we are in the third year of secondary school, multiple meetings with staff there who feel the meetings should be focussed on her lateness to class, no complaints about behaviour, just her time keeping. When I try to explain that she struggles with anxiety they say ‘I doubt that she has anxiety because anxious people don’t like turning up late’ or ‘she seems fine when with her friends’. Teachers walk passed her when she’s bawling and none of them ask if she is ok, one told her she couldn’t be standing where she was, she explained vey politely that she was upset and talking to her mum the phone, the teacher responded ‘do as you’re told for once in your life’. I heard this. As I said, I have heard no complaints about her behaviour. I was horrified. No response from the school when I told them about this.

Last week, her friend took a photo of her and a teacher asked who was in the photo, her friend told them it was my daughter and the teacher asked if it was a filter. To you and I, this comment was simply them not recognising her in the photo. My Daughter spent over half an hour crying in the toilets because the teacher thought it was an ugly filter. I don’t believe all of this is just anxiety.

Today we met with her GP who told her it’s normal for girls her age to feel self conscious and feel the way she does. Completely ignoring that she has been this way since the age of four and I don’t think anyone other child in her school has a panic attack over PE. If she had behaviour problems they would all feel very different about it.

Why do we need to rely on ‘Professionals’ to access support for our children? Why can’t we get in touch with the correct professionals ourselves for advice. Teachers are overworked and stressed and clearly in my daughters school, most of them don’t really care. GPs are not mental health experts and can only refer to psychiatry/ psychology. If they don’t feel the issues are that serious, it’s down to the school to deal with.

Where do I go from here?

I know I won’t rest until she has received the support she needs and deserves.

We all love our children and would do anything for them, it is our place to ensure they receive everything they need. I’m tired of being made to feel it’s not my place and I don’t know my child.

Have you experienced anything similar? Maybe it’s time we get together and do this ourselves.

Next step for me? I will be pushing the school to provide the support they can and I’ll search for private consultation to provide recommendations to GP/School.