VforVanity

I have spent so much time thinking about whether or not I’m where I’m meant to be or whether or not I’m who I’m meant to be, and whether or not I am alone in these thoughts. Just in case you feel the same, I thought I’d share where I’m at with these questions.

So, I have been absent from work for nearly a year due to an injury and of course my work are giving me a hard time about this, which I get, they have to ensure they are operating at the level they need to and that they don’t have unnecessary hanger ons. However, I was injured at work. I’ve been surprised by the lack of support and concern but I feel I may have approached this situation naively. Large organisations don’t think like individuals and need to prioritise the company. This period has been super stressful, I already feel guilty for leaving my colleagues to hold down the fort without my help and the company are putting more pressure on me. which I understand. Unfortunately I can’t push surgical procedures forward, I have to wait like everyone else. Feeling I have lost control of all aspects of my life in one fell swoop I have had no option but to search within, find ways of getting through and find ways of ensuring this experience is something I can take with me through life and use what I’ve learned to help others on their journey too. I refuse to experience hard times without someone benefiting from it eventually.

Having experienced life as I know it being pulled out from underneath me multiple times, I now understand that these all happen for a reason and to allow the process, I begin to wonder why I haven’t reached the event of self discovery yet. What do we need to do to get there? Is there even a destination?

Possibly there is no destination, The journey to self discovery is the journey itself? Have you ever met people and thought ‘I wish I was as self assured and settled as they are’? of course you have and those people have probably felt the same. We don’t see what other people see in themselves, we don’t see their struggle or their questions. We only see what we feel about them.

When I was a kid I always felt like my purpose was to change the world and help everyone, I didn’t understand the unkind or the mean. One of my teachers told me when you write a story to put other people first, just like in life. Were the unkind that way because they didn’t have her as a teacher? Had no one told them about that? I felt because I knew that rule that it was my job to help others learn it too. Unfortunately my autistic mind didn’t catch on to the realities of human nature until very recently. I’m in my thirties! I have spent my life trying to instil my values into the people around me and felt I was helping but other than my daughter and partner, it made no difference. This has led to some really deep searching within. If my purpose in life is not to teach people kindness then what is it? How do I find it? All I know is that I want to leave this earth a better place for future generations, I want to make a difference, I feel my purpose is in there. How do we find who we are in such a vast universe of possibilities? In the western part of the world, we have become closed off to each other and focussed on getting through it, have we forgotten to reach out to each other, to take a hand or to give a hand? A world of people closing doors and and looking out windows? Consumerism appears to have taken over.

There are so many teachings in every experience, especially the difficult ones. I have had more than my fair share of experiences and feel if I can share what I’ve learned it may prevent others from having to experience the difficulties I have. I would like to add, my life is amazing and I am incredibly grateful for all that I have and all of my experiences. I wouldn’t change any of it. The lessons have given me so much more than I could ever ask for and I am able to feel at one with everyone and everything. That is a beautiful gift and the gratitude is endless.

A particularly important lesson for me has been that people aren’t unkind if they are happy and secure. The people who appear in my life who have been mean or tried to pull me down are struggling. Their story is one of heartache and insecurities. Therefore I try to engage with their hate towards me, with love and support. It may be all they need. I am not always successful with this, I still struggle to understand why people don’t wish well for others and I can get angry and frustrated with this. But I try.

I write this with a proposal in mind. I ask that we begin to open our doors and our hearts to each other and to possibilities. I believe that’s where we find ourselves and the exciting start point of self discovery. I believe if we link together like a daisy chain we can share more kindness and opportunity. I may not know what my life purpose is and my search may never end but on my journey I will reach into others lanes, only give a helping hand and to support you on yours. I will share my journey with you.

See you on the daisy chain.